Supporting Friends With Anxiety What To Say
A man looks anxious.
Understanding Anxiety and Its Impact
Anxiety disorder affects a significant portion of the population. In the U.S. alone, NAMI.org reports that over 19 percent of Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder. This is distinct from the regular nerves someone might experience before public speaking or when stuck in traffic.
For those who experience it, anxiety can feel debilitating at times. Like many mental health conditions, there is a range of severity and causes. It can be genetic, or a traumatic event might trigger it. Regardless of the why or how severe, it can feel incredibly isolating, both for those enduring it and for those who want to help but are unsure how. Therapy and, when necessary, medication can help. However, understanding anxiety is crucial for everyone involved.
Anxiety is not like a common cold that can be treated with antibiotics. Explaining what it feels like to someone who does not experience it is challenging. The best way to describe it is a constant state of uncomfortable anticipation.
This is not just about existential questions like, Is there an afterlife or Will I die alone. It is more like a relentless stream of worries: Will my car shut down in a busy intersection What if I need a root canal again someday (I will.) Will he call What if my dog walker forgets to come while Im temping What if someone runs a red light Did I say the right thing at the party Am I shrill Whats my blood pressure Imagine these questions, big and small, running continuously through your brain, dipping in and out of logic, getting snagged, and repeating endlessly.
A record spins on a loop. (Giphy GIF by Shingo2)
Watch a YouTube Clip about anxiety from Psych Hub on www.youtube.com.
What Not to Say and What to Offer Instead
Though often well-intentioned, some common responses can actually increase tension for someone with anxiety. Many mental health therapists have shared phrases to avoid and suggested more helpful alternatives.
1) Avoid: "JUST RELAX."
On laureltherapy.net, they highlight this common phrase. When every synapse in your brain is on high alert, being told to just bring it down a notch only makes it worse. It is literally the opposite of what your brain chemistry is doing. It is similar to Just calm down, which can feel dismissive and unhelpful.
Instead, try: "IM HERE FOR YOU." This acknowledges their discomfort and offers a soft space to fall.
2) Avoid: "YOURE TOO SENSITIVE."
This is like telling someone with a physical disability that it is their fault.
Instead, they offer: "YOUR FEELINGS MAKE SENSE." Sometimes, people just want to feel seen and heard, especially by those closest to them. The last thing someone needs is to feel bad about already feeling bad.
3) Avoid: "YOURE OVERTHINKING IT."
On Everydayhealth.com, Michelle Pugle, reviewed by Seth Gillihan PhD, cites Helen Egger MD, with this advice.
She gives a few options to try instead, but a favorite is: "YOURE SAFE." It might sound cheesy, but when really spinning, it is nice to know someone is by your side and not judging your mind for thinking differently.
4) Avoid: "WORRYING WONT CHANGE ANYTHING."
Pugle also advises against this phrase. While perhaps true, it again implies there is nothing one can do in a moment of panic. She writes:
"Trying to soothe someones anxiety by telling them their thoughts arent productive, worthwhile, or that theyre a waste of time also invalidates their feelings and may even leave them feeling more distressed than before," Egger explains.
Instead, try: "DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS" This gives the impression that someone is actually willing to help and participate, not just critique.
5) Avoid: "ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD."
The late Carrie Fisher once wrote about how much she hated when people would say that to her, as if that were somehow comforting. To paraphrase, her response was essentially: I know. its my head Get it out of there
Watch a related YouTube short or this link.
Laurel Therapy suggests instead to try: "ANXIETY CAN BE REALLY TOUGH." Personally, I would prefer: "HOW CAN I HELP"
While it might at times feel frustrating, the key when dealing with anxiety is to be cognizant that you are not shaming or condescending.
Additional Helpful Concepts
Here are a few more concepts that can help:
GRATITUDE
I saw a movie called About Time a few years ago written by Richard Curtis who has a propensity to get sappy. But this quote is bloody beautiful: I just try to live every day as if Ive deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life. I simply love the idea of pretending like weve time traveled to every single moment of our lives on purpose. And this especially helps the anxious prone because if it is true that we are always tooling around in an unpredictable future rather than sitting where time wants us to be, it makes sense that we were there and have come back to a moment to show it respect. To view every day and every thought as a gift instead of a fear. Now that is something.
BREATHE
Im sure youve heard about the benefits of meditation. They are true. I have seen the practice of minding your breath and sitting still make huge differences in those close to me. I have not been able to make meditation a part of my daily routine, but that doesnt mean I cant strive to. (Try, try again.) I do partake in Yoga and I find it helps slow my mind down considerably.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS
Our amygdalas (the part of the brain, which among other roles, elicits our response to threats, real or perceived) can play nasty tricks on us. We are not the sum total of every thought weve ever had. On the contrary, I believe that we are what we do, not what we think. Our anxiety (or depression) doesnt have to define us, especially when we know we are responding to many threats that dont even exist. We can be of service to others instead. Volunteer when possible or simply be kind to those around you every day. That is what makes us who we are. Personally, that idea soothes me.
