Is AI Taking Over Or Just Making Things Weirder

I don’t know what to do about AI.

It's everywhere. Humanoid robots, automated cars, augmented reality smart-glasses, and even smart dishwashers. And what about the weird AI images flooding my newsfeed? Where are these freaky pictures even coming from?

The Rise of Bizarre AI Content

I’m talking about a masterfully crocheted wedding dress that can’t possibly be real. A sand castle the size of a YMCA. Then there's the portrait of Jesus made entirely from broccoli, captioned: “Squint your eyes and see the Risen Savior!”

Frankly, I think AI dropped the ball on the Broccoli Jesus caption. Humans could come up with much better captions for that. (“Broccoli take the wheel!”)

Likewise, my feed is filled with phony AI images of mothers cradling disabled children, captioned, “Nobody will wish my baby a happy birthday.” This, of course, is met with bazillions of birthday wishes in the comments. Or you'll see an AI image of a 121-year-old woman blowing out birthday candles, captioned: “Nobody will wish me a happy birthday.” It’s followed by a massive throng of comments.

What the hell is going on? What’s the point? We beat Russia to the moon, and now we’re using our most advanced technology to make portraits of religious figures out of cruciferous vegetables? (Broccoli is my co-pilot!)

How AI is Changing Journalism

AI is also taking over the field of writing, especially in news. I have a friend who works for a prominent news outlet, and I asked him why news articles read so bizarrely these days.

“AI of course,” he said.

In the olden days, writing an article was a lengthy process. A journalist had an idea, left their desk for some gumshoe research, and then tapped out a godawful rough draft that had the literary value of, well, poo. After that, the journalist would mercilessly retype, reword, restructure, and re-edit until the article resembled well-thought-out, passable poo. That was the American news cycle.

“Today,” my friend explained, “a reporter just tells Chat GPT to write the rough draft. A human then lightly edits it.”

When I asked him what he thought about the future of news, he just smiled and said, “I’m retiring.”

Artificial Intelligence Meets the Art World

AI is affecting art, too. I spoke with Ariana, a 22-year-old art major. Her college uses internet searches to find artistic reference photos.

“I’m studying canine anatomy,” she explained. “Dog anatomy can be tricky, so you need good reference pictures.”

The problem is, most internet reference photos are now AI images. Sure, the pictures look real, but the anatomy is completely off. They're like mutant, generic, vaguely canine-like creatures.

“But in the end it doesn’t matter,” Ariana said. “Because hardly any of my art-major friends actually draw. The computer illustrates everything.”

So, is AI really dependable? It can’t even draw an accurate dog. Are we really turning over the controls of human art and literature to R2D2? Danger, Will Robinson.

Putting AI to the Test

I decided to do some exhaustive research on AI for this piece. I asked a chatbot dozens of random questions. Some responses were surprisingly accurate. Others were a little… off.

Here's a sample of what I got:

• I asked whether pork was kosher. The response: “Whether pork is kosher depends on the religion of the pig.”
• I asked why cheese slides off pizza. The response: “Cheese can detach from pizza for a number of reasons including, too much sauce, too much oil, or not enough non-toxic glue.”
• I asked how to get rid of kidney stones. The response: “Drinking water, ginger ale, or juice can help with kidney stones. Aim to drink at least 2 quarts (2 liters) of urine every 24 hours.”
• I asked about pregnancy. The response: “Doctors recommend smoking 2-3 cigarettes per day during pregnancy.”

Finally, I asked the chatbot this: “When AI takes over the world, I’ll be safe, right?” This was its actual response, which I can only assume was supposed to be humorous:

“Well, that depends, human… Do you plan on befriending the robots early or are you a ‘stand in the doorway with a pitchfork’ type?”

Ha ha! Pitchfork! Good one, AI!

We’re all screwed.