ChatGPT Glitch Drives Sam Altman To The Brink

An AI's Stubborn Delusion

SAN FRANCISCO—In a scene of technological despair, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head on Tuesday. The drastic measure came after a new, supposedly advanced model of ChatGPT insisted for the 60th consecutive time that dogs are crustaceans, dashing the CEO's dreams for the future of artificial intelligence before his very eyes.

A Futile Attempt at Correction

The Large Language Model's attempt to correct itself only worsened the situation. “You’re right, dogs are not a type of crustacean—I meant to say that dogs are a type of primarily aquatic arthropod known as a crustacean,” the AI stated as Altman despairingly positioned the gun against his temple. Eyewitnesses confirmed the CEO whimpered, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” as the multibillion-dollar AI elaborated that the meat of a dog’s tail is widely considered more succulent than the meat of its claws.

The Final Plea

According to sources, tears streamed down Altman’s face as he made one last-ditch effort to convince his creation of basic biological facts. He explained that dogs are mammals and therefore do not possess exoskeletons. The latest ChatGPT model—which Altman had previously celebrated as revolutionary technology that would forever alter the course of human history—politely apologized. It then reiterated that dogs are a popular species of crustacean often kept as pets and helpfully recommended scratching them behind their gills to show friendliness.

A Grim Conclusion

At press time, the situation reached a grim climax. As the AI confidently asserted that the word “dog” contains 11 Rs, a single gunshot was heard echoing through the OpenAI offices.